Happy Ending

Voldemort sat happily on his throne, contemplating what evil scheme to unleash on the world next when a voice rang through the air that made him grate his teeth. “Voldie, honey where are you?” the voice of course belonged to his wife, Rosiemort. Voldemort sighed. ‘Maybe if I pretend I’m not here she’ll forget about whatever it is and leave me alone.’ He thought hopefully.

 

However his hopefulness was short lived as Rosiemort sauntered into the room, wearing her customary, baby pink death eater robes. ‘God WHY did I marry her? And WHY does she insist on wearing those HORRIBLE BABY PINK Death Eater robes!?! Death Eaters are EVIL! Not cute and cuddly!’ he thought savagely to himself.

 

“Voldie? Oh THERE you are!” Rosiemort exclaimed in a sugary sweet voice. Voldemort had to control the urge at that moment to puke at the sound of it and also not to grate his teeth in front of her. “Yes dear?” he asked in what he hoped was a casual, non-I’m-going-to-curse-you-until-you-beg-me-to-kill-you voice.

 

“Oh well, I just wanted to tell you that I needed you to take out the trash and you promised you would join the girls and I tonight while we played bridge.” She said brightly. Voldemort felt his hand twitch towards his wand that was hidden in the folds of his robes. He had only said yes to her at the time to shut her up. He had no intention of actually joining the old hags while they played their stupid card game. ‘Card games are for muggles! And muggles are filth….well except for that Paris Hilton and that Pamela Anderson….but that’s not the point! The point IS that MY wife shouldn’t be playing these stupid muggle games! She should be out there torturing the muggles who PLAY them. But is she? Oh no, instead she spends all her free time baking those horrid cookies or making those horrid dresses, which I have to model for her! Though that one lavender one didn’t look too bad…’

 

He finally looked up at her after a few minutes and said “But, dear I have a Death Eater meeting tonight! You know, plans for world domination just can’t wait around. And then there’s that mass muggle killing I was planning for next Thursday, I still have to figure out who’s going. And oh yes I have to see if Lucius is still taking me up on my offer for a pedicure tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Rosiemort stood listening to her husband while he talked and when he was finished said “That’s fine dear but you did promise, I promise we won’t keep you from your meeting. Just play for a little bit. Now please take the garbage out.” She finished before turning around and making her way out of the room.

 

Voldemort sat grumbling for a good ten minutes before he heard “Voldie! Please put the garbage out before the girls get here!” Cursing (in the non-magical sense) he got up and made his way into the kitchen to find the garbage bag tied neatly waiting for him. “Now just bring that out to the dumpster and then come back in and help me set up.” Rosiemort said giving him that sickeningly sweet smile that made his teeth grate together.

 

“Yes dear.” He said sullenly before picking up the bag and trudging outside. Lifting the lid on the dumpster, Voldemort hefted the garbage bag up to toss it in. Unfortunately the bag caught on a sharp piece of metal on the dumpster ripping the bag open causing the contents to spill out all over him.

 

Cursing louder than ever, he pulled his wand and proceeded to throw curses at the dumpster and the offending garbage. A rat that happened to smell the prospect of food in the spilled garbage caught Voldemort’s eye. With a manic glint in his eye he raised his wand intending on cursing the rodent (mostly because of it’s resemblance to Wormtail than anything else really) when a sugary sweet voice interrupted him.

 

“Voldie! What are you doing!?” Rosiemort shrieked. “How could you harm such an innocent little rat! He’s just looking for food.” She admonished. The rat sat quivering over its meal looking scared.

 

“Aww look at it it’s scared. You should be ashamed of yourself Voldie, picking on such a poor defenseless creature like this rat.” Rosiemort continued as she bent down to pick up the rat.

 

Finally whatever patience Voldemort had possessed snapped. He raised his wand and shouted loudly “CRUCIO! CRUCIO!” Voldemort held the curse on Rosiemort and found great pleasure in torturing her for a few minutes before getting bored with it. “Okay bored now.” He said off handedly releasing the curse.

 

Rosiemort looked up at him and said “Voldie honey, what was that for?” Her voice was still as sugar sweet as ever and Voldemort nearly stabbed her with his wand. Instead of answering her he raised his wand and bellowed in his rage “AVADA KADAVA!”

 

Rosiemort went limp on the ground and was still. “Ugh, that’s the fourth one this week! I’ve really GOT to stop marrying the brainless idiots.” Voldemort muttered to himself as he vanished the body.

 

“However am I going to be the kind of Dark Lord I always wanted to be if I can’t keep a wife for more than a few hours? Mother will be so disappointed.”

 

Suddenly out of the shadows a short balding man with watery eyes appeared next to Voldemort. “Master, you didn’t kill another one did you?” he asked in a quiet simper.

 

“Yes, Wormtail I did. It was her voice, it was too sugary. And she kept calling me ‘Voldie!’. Now, tell me how is any self-respecting Dark Lord going to be able to make his bid for world domination if it gets out that his wife calls him by such an awful name. Come now Wormtail, I must find a new wife. Maybe that Paris Hilton is available. Or perhaps that Britney Spears….”

 

THE END